First: No, I cannot claim this as fiction. There’s no part of this where I decided to create. I simply asked questions wrote down the answers I heard. I am full of doubt, and also understand that the mind is so complex; that just because something isn’t consciously fiction, doesn’t mean… it isn’t fiction.
Second: I understand that there are statements you will read that MIGHT trouble you. For that, I apologize. And, for what it’s worth, there are statements that trouble me to. But I tried to write it down like I heard it.
Third: I decided to note where I had some doubts and looked up information. And where I stumbled. I’m not sure what it means, or even if it means anything. I just know that there is some truth here.
Fourth: why I wanted to talk- because I simply needed to know WHY my life is taking this shape; why I have depression, why I am gay, why the world hates black people, and other questions. But once the conversation began, I found myself getting sidetracked. It was as if, every time God said something, I had to know more, and even though I think I pretty much directed the conversation, I didn’t feel like I had much control.
Fifth: I relied on how I felt and how much I could take. When I didn’t feel what I have come to identify as God’s presence (maybe it isn’t, but all my life- that’s the feeling I’ve ascribed to God, so…), I stopped writing. So, the conversation ends abruptly. I HOPE THAT WE WILL TALK AGAIN. I will write down what I hear and spend VERY little time questioning it.
Lastly: on reflecting, it has helped me in some way, though I can’t quite pinpoint it. I do feel some small, hazy sense of peace. And I’m grateful for that.
To start, God met me at a restaurant in Hyde Park called the Litehouse Whole Food Grill. It was an extraordinarily pleasant day and evening, and as I was walking from the lakefront, I passed this quaint storefront, with colorful art, vintage bicycles, Xmas lights, and little positive phrases like: “Child, just breathe.” I was overcome with the beauty of the place, so I went in and asked them about it. The lady at the register walked me through what they were known for, so I tried their Baja Bliss Chicken tacos. I saw young, black, men and women, working, cooking, eating, and I loved everything about it. I sat at a window-facing bar as they prepared my food and that’s when the feeling came over me.
I had been wanting to have a conversation with God for a while, but hadn’t followed through for a number of “reasons.” Mostly, it just didn’t feel right. This time, it did, so I took out a notebook and just wrote…
ME: So, um… how do I speak to you?
GOD: How do you want to speak?
ME: Freely… but, I’m scared of you.
GOD: Tell me why.
ME: But, don’t you already know?
GOD: You tell me for your sake. It will help you see the truth.
ME: The truth…
GOD: You won’t see it all because you are only able to go so far how you are right now. But it will lighten your heart to see even that.
(SIDE NOTE: at that point, my food came and the feeling left me. Just like that, I couldn’t write anymore, so I wrote in the margins: “man! that’s it for now… 3/22.” I finished the tacos, which were very good and headed back home. The conversation wouldn’t pick up again for another 4 hours.)
ME: Well, because it seems like you…, or we can’t talk to you that way. It’s either about authority, or power, or smite, or violence,… Did you do all those things in the Bible?
GOD: What things?
ME: All the bad things. The killings, the plagues, the flood- there’s a lot of death.
GOD: No, I didn’t.
ME: But then, why do you let people say you did? Are they lying? What? Why do those things happen?
GOD: Is that really what you want to ask me? I feel that you are trying to drill down to something.
ME: But, I do still want to know.
GOD: Of course, I’ll still answer. I also want to drill down to where your heart lies. I can tell you don’t want to touch it, but you’re safe here.
To start: No, I didn’t do it. Some of those things didn’t even happen. I can see in your mind the story of the Prophet coming to King David and asking him to choose between punishments, one being a plague that kills 70,000.
(SIDE NOTE: As I was hearing this, I doubted it, and I started to question if the King was David or if it was someone else. I thought maybe Hezekiah, so I wrote that down, then I looked it up and learned that it was indeed David, and that the number of those who died was higher than I thought. What did that mean? Was it me since I was mistaken? Was it God since what I heard was right, but only when I questioned it was the information wrong? I decided to write down everything and let it be what it is… I don’t know if it means anything.)
I do not do such things. But such things do happen. People die in plagues, floods, quakes, war, and fire… and grief.
ME: I don’t understand.
GOD: This is going to be hard for you to hear, but I allow these things to happen for your sake.
ME: My sake?
(SIDE NOTE: to be perfectly honest, when I heard this, I thought it was bullshit and it sparked some confrontational energy in me. I am writing that now as I reflect on it.)
GOD: Life’s sake. You look at this world and you see it from the view of you and so many others. I want you to know how proud I am of you to see beyond yourself. I see the world from the view of every thing that lives. Every THING that lives has a will. And every THING lives.
GOD: Everything lives and has a will. You think of the grass and the birds. As do I. I also think of this.
ME: What is that?
GOD: You call it quark. And I think of ALL of them, all the time. They all have wills, and they impinge on one another. My will, is that all their wills be fulfilled.
ME: That can’t be possible.
GOD: Yes and No. Those wills you can understand, the wills of some people, some animals, you see them conflict; you see that they must needs conflict… You see the truth.
ME: Yes. But why would you make it this way?
GOD: There is no other way for it to be. The alternative is stillness.
ME: But will it be different in Heaven?
GOD: This is Heaven.
ME: What do you mean?
GOD: Nothing of what I created is closed off. Everything that I have made, I put here.
ME: Where is “here?”
GOD: (SIDE NOTE: GOD smiles at me. No, I don’t see it. I feel it.) *HERE* is here. I made *here* and I live in it.
ME: But why make it?
GOD: It’s what I am. I make things that live, things that move, things that change; my limit is that everything I make is me.
GOD: As much as I can make you understand, everything I make is me. I don’t know how to make anything else.
ME: I’m scared.
GOD: Because I said, “I do not know…” You fear what you can’t control, and so you fear what I can’t control. But if all is in my control, why does your fear remain?
ME: I’m scared all the time.
GOD: I know. I am too.
GOD: I told you: I can only make myself, and so I feel everything you do. And yes.
ME: I figure you know what I’m going to ask next. Are there other feelings that I can’t feel?
GOD: Yes. Feelings are the power created by your will. But not all will is the same and so the power is different.
ME: I didn’t think that I’d get or go in this direction when we started. There’s just SO MUCH I don’t know.
GOD: I am so impressed with what you know.
ME: I don’t believe you.
GOD: I am sad that the pain behind your will is so great.
ME: (SIDE NOTE: I felt a little dejected after hearing that, but also more secure in asking this) God, am I sick?
GOD: Yes. But it isn’t your fault.
ME: But then, why did you let me get sick?
GOD: Your sickness is a response to life’s will. All wills, impeding one another, overcoming, relenting, dominating, subjugating, the lines and powers are trillions upon trillions. Your mind can’t fathom the number, so when I say it (SIDE NOTE: when I wrote it, it was just a scribble. I thought a lot about math as a universal language and yet, I still couldn’t write it. Or didn’t. I can’t tell the difference. I can only tell that what I wrote, was a scribble...) you don’t understand.
ME: That can’t be it.
GOD: This is the hardest truth I think you’ll hear. I care, because I inhabit, but I do not, I can not, subjugate any will.
ME: So you don’t have any control here?
GOD: Control- you mean the power to elevate a will. I do not.
ME: BUT JESUS!!
GOD: Jesus had no more power than you do, and the power of his will is no greater than yours, and you and he are the same in my eyes.
ME: Wait, so did he need to die to save us from our sins?
GOD: That is not why he died. He died by the will of other men, because he spoke against them.
ME: What was Jesus then?
GOD: He was a human being, who had the same will as you.
ME: Wait? Was he born of a virgin?
GOD: No, no one is born that way. All humans ever made, have two parents.
ME: You know, now that you say it, it doesn’t hit me as hard as I thought. I sure love him… or loved him (SIDE NOTE: I’m not clear on the emotion. I love what I know about who Jesus was, the person teased out by the Gospels, but truthfully, I never… knew him, really.)
GOD: He loves you too.
ME: What does that mean?
GOD: He’s with me now. His will- I know it; I’ve seen it. And he’s seen everything: all life that ever was.
ME: Because he’s your son.
GOD: No more than you are.
ME: I really don’t understand what you’re saying.
GOD: Your will changes when your form does, and when your form does, you can see more and more. Joshua sees all because I showed him. I showed him because he asked and, when his form changed, he could understand it.
–END OF CONVERSATION–
I had to stop because I was getting overwhelmed. If I am honest, there was more, so I can only hope that I will have more conversations. I am going to write them down and share them. As far as what the conversations mean…? Well, again- I DIDN’T SET OUT TO WRITE FICTION. So, I don’t know if I can write this off as fiction.
When you read it, I can’t tell you what to take from it, but I really hope that it helps you. When we talk again, I’ll let you know.