May I share something with you?
When I first started this blog, I had a goal. I didn’t presume that I had a lot of answers. I wanted to be vulnerable, which meant making known to all who would read my words (thank you everyone out there) that I had far more questions than answers. This is one of those times.
Recently, I had a fight with a friend. The type of fight where the outcome is one less friend (I can’t see into future, but I hope that’s not the only outcome). That’s never happened to me before. It’s not something that I can say I’m handling well. To be honest- it hurts… a lot. And in the midst of reflecting, I had a slew of questions which I thought I would share…
What does leadership look like? What does care look like? What does love? What does strength?
Am I strong? Do I care? Am I a good friend?
Should I allow myself to be hurt? Over and over?
Am I standing up for myself or am I hiding?
Is it courage to admit that you’re vulnerable? Vulnerable to words, to displays, to people?
Is it strength to constantly admit your shortcomings?
Is it wrong to have pride? To feel like you have something to give? To feel and speak and respond as though you deserve good things?
You deserve success, friendship, loyalty…
You are special, right? How do you know? And what does being special mean?
Is it something to proclaim even if no one else does?
Is it wrong to give people power over you? Is it safe? Is it something you can prevent? Do you want to?
Is opening yourself to people a part of who you are? Is it a defense mechanism? Do you tell people things so that they cannot use them against you? Do you trust people?
Do you always have to take the first step? Do you always have to be the one crawling back? The supplicant? What does that say about you? What do you say to yourself?
That was it… You know, the interesting thing is, even though I didn’t have answers to these questions, writing them out felt like the right choice. In some ways, like an answer in itself. I felt lighter, though not necessarily good.
Have you ever had these questions go through your mind, especially when dealing with relationships?
Do you feel like sharing. . . ?
4 Comments Add yours
It’s most definitely difficult to go through an ending friendship. I’m sorry for the hurt you’re experiencing and hope that you are able to find the answers to some, if not all, of your questions. These situations usually teach us about ourselves and help set up our expectations and rules-of-being-in-my-life mentalities after we have had time to process everything: time to sort out the feelings and determine which were justified, which were not, and which just depend on the motives behind them…which need to be figured out.
I agree completely, that sorting out is tough, especially since, in the meantime, I just miss my friend. Appreciate your thoughts!!